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Guardians of Being

17 Feb

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May we learn how to be as present as they are, as unconditionally loving and as pure.

Where I Keep my Heart ©

23 Jan

Alone in the cave I sit and feel the coolness of the sand beneath my fingers, staring out into the light so bright my eyes are blinded and hide from the thought of strangers. It’s safe in here, so dark and cold; out there so hot, bright, consuming and rare.

I lay my head back on the unforgiving sandstone, only to close my eyes and feel the burning heat from the tears streaming down my dirty face. Thoughts and images race across my mind, stained in memory of what used to be mine. I wrap my arms around my body in protection, so as my guts don’t fall out and show my destruction. Curling up into tiny form, I cry to The Beloved to help me weather this God awful storm. I feel the warmth of a soft fuzzy blanket, and know he is near as he wipes away the smeared and gooey makeup.

Fill me up I beg, with anything but this…this feeling of loneliness that is so fierce. I cannot carry it any longer I say, this body and this heart was not meant to work this way. He closes His eyes, and tries not to cry…as he cradles me in His arms and begins to sigh. Child He says, in the only way He does…it is life that is crazy…not us. I have hurt to see you cry, know my beloved…she was not meant to die. I do not assist in decisions you all make, but sit back and watch, smile and yes sometimes cry and wait. All I can do, is hope you come home to me, but know dear child it is you and only you, who change who and what you’ll be.

As I lie there in His arms, tears streaming down His arm I remember the night so lost, scary and the last time I carried her in her form. She in my arms, so tiny and broken, my heart all over the ground, shattered, scattered and random. The life in her eyes, gone and nothing but fog as I hold her close one last time before I send her off. She lies there on the pavement, in shock but free as she heard mommy wailing “No, this can’t be!”

Now back to the present I sit here and wait, in this cold cave unforgiving and something I made. My heart is in it, all wrapped up tight. Waiting for the moment that it will be free, when it’s right. I don’t care what others say, I don’t care they don’t see. My little girl was everything, if not to all…to me. I see her face in every ray of sun, as I skip through the dandelions one by one. She dances with me each day I wake, in this world I create. I hear her bark, run and snore…as I take one breath at a time and move closer and closer.

Wait for me little one, someday we’ll meet. Its comforting knowing it’s you, I will greet! This time my love, it will be you I look up to and smile as the clouds behind me close…forever your mommy and if you allow me one more chance I will be there, arms out and ready to dance.